International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

This Column first appeared in print September 19, 2007.

By Iron Jenny Rackham

With the beginning of autumn, we all start looking toward the familial bliss of upcoming holidays. Children scattered through the neighborhood dressed like freaks and begging for candy to rot their teeth. Or the homey image of a family Thanksgiving where your sister’s kids are writing on your freshly painted walls and your father-in-law is sitting with his pants unzipped, yelling obscenities at the football game. And, could there be any more heartwarming an image than six women related only by marriage trying to feed an army of men and children Christmas dinner before the present opening highs wear off?

This is why God gave us liquor stores.

Therefore, in deference to the fear and loathing that may be coming over you just now along with hives, I submit that there is a new holiday just waiting for your attention, and yes, devotion. Hallmark has yet to get its ferocious claws into this holiday and I’ve only seen it celebrated at the local library, though I knew about it before that. That’s right, you guessed it.

September 19th is International Talk like a Pirate Day!

Avast me Hearties and ahoy! The time has come to let down ye hair, drink rum, search for gleaming booty, walk with a swagger and quote pirate movies all day. ARRGGH!

To celebrate properly, one must first devise an appropriate pirate name. There are myriad pirate name generators on the Web. I am not making this up. Just do a Google search and pick one you like. I prefer the sort that is a bit of a personality test and generates a mishmash of a name derived from real pirates. Who doesn’t want to be a scurvy hound for one day?

As you can see in the byline, I am Iron Jenny Rackham, which is ludicrously accurate in a violent and Maggie Thatcher sort of way.

Next, preview your pirate holiday with a viewing of some sort of Pirate movie. Princess Bride, with the Dread Pirate Roberts, or any of the Pirates of the Caribbean will do the trick.

Next, lay out your pirate outfit for the next day. There are several ways to go. The simple yet chic look Cary Elwes sported in Princess Bride, all sleek black and with a blindfold.

Alternatively, one might try more a velvet coat, puffy sleeved, dandy sort such as Captain Hook of Disney animated fame. Of course, there is always Smee for a fashion mentor.

I hear Johnny Depp channeled Keith Richards for his interpretation of Captain Jack Sparrow; keep that in mind before you get behind the wheel though.

No pirate holiday is complete without a large, carnivorous, rum centered meal. It is a holiday, so one should feast as if your ship just attacked a British Man-O-War and landed enough Gold to feed the crew for a year. The alternative turns toward weevil infested hardtack, and that is no fun for anyone.

Tewksbury Public Library is offering pirate stories and crafts for kids on the 19th, which I highly recommend, for kids. For adults, remember to watch out for scallywags ready to ruin a perfectly good, non-commercialized holiday. Celebrate it now and keep it close to your heart as the rest of the season’s holidays come ever closer. Remember, that pirate costume could even be recycled into a Santa suit for someone special, haul that puppy out on Christmas day and see what comes of it.

Yo Ho Ho!